Many of us aspire to change our habits—whether it’s becoming more disciplined, spending less time on distractions, or adopting a healthier lifestyle. Yet the journey from wanting to change to actually transforming our behaviour can feel frustratingly out of reach. You may know exactly which habit is holding you back, but despite your best intentions, you find yourself repeating the same patterns. As a life coach, I’ve seen time and again that the real challenge often lies not in willpower but in understanding why we want to change and aligning that change with what truly matters to us.
One of the first steps in creating lasting habit change is to identify whether your goal is a “have-to” or a “want-to” goal. A “have-to” goal is often driven by guilt or shame, such as when we compare ourselves to others or feel pressured by external expectations. Perhaps you read an article that left you feeling ashamed of your tendency to procrastinate, so you set a goal to become more productive. While there’s nothing wrong with wanting to improve, habits rooted in shame rarely result in lasting transformation because they lack personal meaning.
The second question to ask yourself is where your motivation is coming from. Are you changing because a partner, friend, or colleague wants you to? Or is the desire to transform coming from within? External pressure can offer a short burst of motivation, but long-term habit change usually stems from an internal sense of purpose and commitment. When the reason for change resonates personally, you’re far more likely to follow through because the habit aligns with your own goals, not someone else’s expectations.
The third key consideration is whether your new habit connects to one of your personal values. Even the best advice or encouragement will fall flat if the change doesn’t tie into something you genuinely care about. For instance, you might find it difficult to motivate yourself to exercise outdoors simply because you’re a homebody. However, if you value family time and your nephew has invited you to his baseball games, suddenly spending time outdoors becomes far more appealing. The habit hasn’t changed, but its meaning has—because it now reflects a value you hold dear.
By reflecting on these questions, you can determine whether your goal is something you feel you have to do or something you genuinely want to do. A “want-to” goal fuels self-motivation and makes habit formation far more natural. The good news is that even a “have-to” goal can become a “want-to” if you find a way to link it to your values. This shift often makes the difference between fleeting attempts at change and long-term success.
When it comes to habit change, there is also an important caution about positive visualisation. Many self-help books claim that simply imagining success will make it happen. While visualisation can be helpful, research suggests that indulging in too much positive imagining can trick your brain into feeling as though you’ve already succeeded, which can actually reduce your drive to act. The key is balance—envision your desired future but also focus on the process of getting there. Think not just about how it will feel to achieve your habit change, but also about the potential challenges and how you will overcome them.
Practical planning is essential. Write down your habit-change goal, then outline the specific steps you need to take. Consider what obstacles might appear and how you will address them when they do. Instead of relying on daydreams for motivation, create a roadmap that helps you take consistent, intentional action. Sustainable habit change is built on clarity, small wins, and a commitment to doing the work—one step at a time.
In short, lasting transformation requires you to get real about why you want to change, connect your goals to what you value most, and create a realistic plan to make it happen. As a life coach, I’ve seen that when clients make this shift, their new habits feel less like a burden and more like a natural extension of who they are becoming.
If you’re ready to break free from old habits and build new ones that truly align with your values and vision for your life, life coaching can help. At Quintus Wealth & Coaching, we work with individuals to uncover their “why,” design actionable strategies, and stay accountable on the journey towards lasting change.
Written by Nkulu
