How I Coach Leaders and Teams to Release Narratives That No Longer Serve Them
Emotional agility has become one of the most practical lenses I use in my Life, Executive, and Team/Group coaching work — not as a “soft” add-on, but as a core capability for sustainable leadership and healthy living. One line in particular stays with me: “Embrace an evolving identity and release the narratives that no longer serve you.” – Susan David. I have watched this idea unlock movement for leaders who feel stuck, teams who feel strained, and individuals who sense that their old ways of being are no longer sustainable.
In coaching, identity is rarely an abstract topic. It shows up in everyday moments: when someone is trying to set a boundary, make a tough decision, have a hard conversation, recover from a disappointment, or lead through uncertainty. It appears when a leader says, “I don’t know who I am in this new role,” when a team says, “We’ve lost our rhythm,” or when a person quietly admits, “I’m not sure I want the life I’ve been chasing.”
Susan David shares a story about how, earlier in her career, she travelled constantly — Boston to Australia multiple times a year was an easy “yes,” because being a global traveller had become part of her identity. Then life shifted. During the pandemic, travel stopped, and even when it became possible again, the identity that once felt integral no longer felt as appealing. What struck me most is that the shift was chosen — and still, it brought an identity wobble: “Who am I now?” That question is more common than we think, and it often arrives precisely when we’re doing the “right” things.
In my Life Coaching practice, evolving identity shows up most clearly in seasons of transition: becoming a parent, a move, a loss, a health reality, a shift in faith, a change in relationship status, or simply reaching a point where the pace you’ve maintained becomes too costly. Many people don’t struggle because they lack discipline or motivation — they struggle because they’re still living inside an old narrative about who they must be. The narrative might sound like: “I’m the one who holds it together,” “I must keep everyone happy,” “If I slow down, I’ll fall behind,” or “My value is what I produce.” Coaching becomes the space where we respectfully name these stories, acknowledge what they once protected or provided, and then ask whether they still serve the life the person is now being invited into.
In Executive Coaching, identity shifts are often triggered by success as much as by struggle. A promotion, expanded scope, new stakeholders, a merger, a new CEO, a board-level expectation, or an organisational redesign can all force a leader to re-negotiate who they are. The “doer” must become a strategist. The “expert” must become a developer of others. The “high-control” leader must become a builder of trust and accountability. And if a leader remains attached to the old identity, the organisation feels it: over-functioning, bottlenecks, micromanagement, fatigue, impatience, or quiet resentment. In sessions, we work on separating role requirements from identity attachment. You can still be driven, excellent, and impactful — without needing to be the person who carries everything.
In Team and Group coaching, the same dynamic plays out at a collective level. Teams have identities too: “We’re the team that never drops the ball,” “We’re the fastest,” “We’re the most technical,” “We’re the family,” “We keep the peace,” “We don’t do conflict.” When the environment changes — new strategy, new operating model, new leadership, new performance pressure — the team’s identity gets challenged. If the team can’t name what’s changing, they often default to protecting the old identity through patterns that look productive on the surface but become costly over time: blame, overwork, silos, cynicism, or avoidance. One of the most stabilising conversations I facilitate with teams is structured and explicit: surfacing the “who we have been” story, honouring what has worked, and then intentionally defining “who we are becoming” in observable behaviours.
Practically, I coach clients to hold identity with strength and flexibility. We name the story without becoming the story. We distinguish values from habits — because values may remain constant even as the expression of those values needs to evolve. We build an “identity portfolio” so that a person’s worth is not trapped in a single performance narrative or role. And we design small experiments that generate evidence. Evidence is powerful because it rewrites identity from the inside out. A leader who delegates and sees the team deliver starts to loosen the grip on “I’m the only one who can do this.” A person who says no once — kindly and firmly — and sees the relationship survive, begins to release “I must always please.”
I also find that identity evolution is often emotionally tender. It can feel like grief. There is sometimes a quiet mourning for an older version of the self: the one with more energy, more certainty, more capacity, more control, more ambition, or more freedom. In coaching, we don’t rush past that. We create space for what’s true, without judgement. Emotional agility isn’t about “being positive.” It’s about being honest and skilful — acknowledging what you feel, recognising the narrative underneath it, and choosing actions aligned to your values, not to your fear.
When clients are in the middle of change, I often invite reflective questions that help them write the next chapter with intention. What have you learned from the past season that you don’t want to forget? Who were you before this change, and what did that version of you need? What identity story are you still living out that no longer fits? What are you afraid will happen if you let that story go? And most importantly: who do you want to be now — not just in intention, but in behaviour?
The deeper invitation is simple but profound: you are not bound to your old stories. Some identities that once felt essential may no longer be central — and that doesn’t mean you are losing yourself. It may mean you are maturing. Seasons change. People evolve. Teams evolve. And the goal is not to reach a “final draft” of ourselves, but to develop the courage to keep revising.
If you’re in a season where things feel unfamiliar — in your life, your leadership, or your team — consider this: perhaps the discomfort isn’t a sign that something is wrong. Perhaps it’s a signal that your identity is evolving, and an old narrative is ready to be released.
What part of your identity is evolving right now — and what story are you ready to let go of?
Written by Nkulu
