The journey toward a stress-free existence has become something of a cultural obsession. We sign up for yoga classes, download meditation apps, and swap tips with friends on how to “switch off,” all while complaining about looming deadlines, relentless expectations, and too little sleep. We hunt for techniques to eliminate stress and read warnings about how it might shorten our lives. It’s understandable. Prolonged, excessive stress can take a toll, and the desire to “de-stress” feels both urgent and rational.
And yet, in my work as an Executive, Life, and Team/Group Coach, I’ve found that a truly fulfilling life is less about eliminating stress and more about renegotiating our relationship with it. Stress isn’t simply a problem to solve; it is often a signal to interpret. Ironically, the more aggressively we try to banish stress, the more it can tighten its grip. When we approach stress with resistance and self-judgement, we often amplify it. When we approach it with perspective and skill, we can reduce its power and increase our agency.
Stress evolved as a useful behavioural response. When we perceive a threat, stress can sharpen our attention, increase our energy, and help us respond quickly—abilities that helped our early ancestors survive. Abolishing stress would mean trying to remove a deep part of human biology and one of our most valuable tools. The question, then, is not “How do I get rid of stress?” but rather, “How do I learn to ride it?”
I often use an image in coaching that captures this beautifully: a character initially afraid of the wave, then learning to float, and eventually surf. The wave doesn’t disappear. The relationship to the wave changes. That, to me, is emotional agility in practice—meeting the reality of stress without being swallowed by it, and learning how to move forward with steadiness.
The first shift is perspective. Stress can be a sign that you are learning and growing. Whenever we step into new territory—leading through change, delivering a high-stakes presentation, navigating a difficult relationship, or making a brave personal decision—stress often appears as the body’s way of saying, “This matters.” In coaching, I encourage clients to love themselves through the stretch. That surge of anxiety before a presentation can either send you into a tailspin or sharpen your focus. The wave can knock you over, or it can carry you forward.
The second shift is what I call “unhooking.” Notice how often we say, “I am stressed,” as though stress is an identity rather than an experience. When we speak that way, we can become fused with the feeling, and it starts to define us. A simple reframe can create space: “I’m noticing that I’m feeling stressed.” That single sentence reminds your nervous system that stress is something you are experiencing, not something you are. In Executive Coaching, this shift can be the difference between reactive leadership and grounded leadership. In Life Coaching, it can be the difference between feeling trapped and remembering you still have choices. In Team/Group coaching, it can help people speak about pressure without blaming, shaming, or shutting down.
The third shift is curiosity. Instead of treating stress as an interruption, treat it as information. Why am I feeling stressed? What am I telling myself about this situation? How do I typically respond under pressure—do I over-control, withdraw, procrastinate, or people-please? Which value might this stress be pointing toward? Sometimes stress signals a value head-on: you feel pressure because you care about your client, your standards, your team, or the impact you want to make. Sometimes it is more subtle—a persistent tug that suggests you are outgrowing something and ready for change. In coaching conversations, curiosity is often the doorway to the real issue beneath the surface pressure.
From there, we move into values-based action. Stress becomes more manageable when it is met with aligned movement rather than frantic activity. Values-based action doesn’t always require a dramatic life overhaul; it often begins with one practical next step that honours what matters. It might be clarifying priorities, asking for support instead of carrying it alone, naming the conversation you’ve been avoiding, setting a boundary, renegotiating expectations, or creating a simple rhythm that restores you. In Team/Group work, values-based action may look like agreeing on “ways of working,” improving decision clarity, reducing context switching, or establishing norms that protect focus and trust.
The invitation is to stop battling stress as though it is a personal failing, and to start relating to it as a human experience that can be navigated with skill. Stress heightens your senses and prepares you for big moments. It can give you the boost you need to focus, succeed, and thrive—when you learn how to ride the wave instead of being pulled under it.
So, the next time stress arrives, consider this: what if it isn’t proof that something is wrong, but evidence that something matters? What if your task isn’t to eliminate the wave, but to learn the board—unhook from the identity, get curious about the message, and take the next values-aligned step forward?
Written by Nkulu
